The Feelings Anti-Fix: A Counter Intuitive Approach to Our Children's Emotions.

When our children are upset, our instinct as parents is often to fix the problem quickly. We want to soothe their pain, solve their worries, and make everything better. I was so often guilty of this being a nurse (one who fixes and heals bodies) and a mother. Its the natural thing to do as a parent. However, through research and my own experience I learned one thing: it actually can make things worse. Now hear me out, I promise it will all make sense if you stay with me.

The Feelings Anti-Fix Approach is what I like to call it. Research shows one of the most powerful things we can do during our kids emotional roller-coasters is simply be present with them, without rushing to fix their feelings. This approach can be challenging, especially for those of us who are caregivers by nature. Yet, sitting quietly with our children, breathing deeply, and offering our calm presence can help them feel truly seen and supported.

Why We Want to Fix Our Children’s Feelings

As parents, we naturally want to protect our children from pain and discomfort. When they cry or express frustration, our first reaction is to find a solution. This urge comes from love and a desire to shield them from hardship. For those of us with caregiving backgrounds, such as nursing, this impulse is even stronger. We are trained to assess, diagnose, and intervene to improve situations quickly. Sitting with discomfort without acting can feel frustrating or helpless.

However, emotions don’t always have a quick fix. Trying to solve feelings can sometimes unintentionally send the message that their emotions are wrong or inconvenient. When we jump in to fix, children might feel unheard or misunderstood. They may learn to hide their feelings or expect others to solve their problems instead of learning to manage emotions themselves. Research by Dr. James Gross at Stanford on emotional suppression shows that when people (including children) feel pressured to stop or hide what they feel, the emotion doesn't go away, it intensifies internally, often leading to anxiety and stress.

On the other hand, learning to tolerate discomfort from emotions is part of helping children build emotional resilience. It’s a gift that teaches them they can handle tough feelings with support, not rescue. Dr. John Gottman's research on "emotion coaching" (from his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, 1997) found that parents who acknowledged and sat with their children's feelings rather than dismissing or "fixing" them raised kids with stronger emotional regulation, better social skills, fewer behavioral problems, and higher academic achievement.

What It Means to Be Present Without Fixing

Being present means giving our full attention to our child’s emotional experience without trying to change it.

Here is what we don't do:

• You don't fix it. 

• You don't explain it. 

• You don't give a consequence. 

• You don't redirect. 

• You don't offer a snack (I was once a big culprit of this one). 

• You don't make it stop. 

Here is what we do:

• You sit down and get on their level

• Listening deeply without interrupting or offering solutions

• Validating their feelings by acknowledging what they are going through

• Staying calm even if their emotions feel intense or uncomfortable

• Breathing with them to help regulate the emotional energy in the room

• If words need to be expressed choose this: “I see you in that [color]. That feeling makes sense. I'm right here."

  
  

This approach allows children to feel safe expressing their feelings. It teaches them that emotions are normal and manageable. It also strengthens the parent-child bond by showing unconditional acceptance. The energy you bring to this is the most important part. You show them that you are the anchor to the the storm inside them, that their feelings are not to big for you, and that you are the lighthouse in the hurricaine.

It's harder said than done.

Learning the monkey bars was hard and frustrating for Mariah at first, she would scream and stomp when she would fall. We stood by her, acknowledged the feeling, took deep breaths with her, and then encouraged her to keep trying.

How to Practice The Anti-Fix Approach

Here are practical steps to support your child’s feelings without trying to fix them:

1. Pause and Breathe

Before responding, take a deep breath. This helps you stay calm and resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Your calmness can help your child feel more secure. Neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges found that a child's nervous system is constantly scanning caregivers for safety signals. A parent's slow, calm breathing registers as safety in the child's brain before any words are exchanged.

2. Use Reflective Listening

Repeat back what your child says in your own words. For example, “It sounds like you’re really upset because your friend didn’t want to play today.” This shows you are listening and helps your child feel understood.

3. Validate Their Emotions and Use a Color

Say things like, “It’s okay to feel sad,” or “I can see why that made you angry.” This is where I bring color into the conversation. "Draw what color you feel, oh yes that makes sense why you picked that color". Avoid minimizing or dismissing their feelings. Across decades of research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and attachment theory, the finding is remarkably consistent: children who feel acknowledged in their emotions are more resilient, more confident, and better equipped to handle life's hard moments than children whose feelings are fixed, minimized, or ignored.

Remember, when words are too hard, color can do the talking.

Research from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence shows that children who can identify and label their emotions experience better mental health, stronger relationships, and greater resilience. But here is the challenge, most young children do not yet have the vocabulary to name what they feel. That is where color comes in.

Color is one of the most natural and instinctive emotional languages children have. Long before a child can say "I feel overwhelmed and misunderstood," they can point to a color, reach for an object, or tell you which cape feels right today. That simple act of identification is not just cute, it is neurologically powerful.

Dr. Daniel Siegel's research shows that helping a child name or identify a feeling, even through something as simple as a color, activates the thinking brain and begins to calm the body's stress response. When we give children a color-based system for expressing emotions, we are not simplifying their feelings. We are meeting them exactly where they are and giving them a tool that works right now, in their body, at their age, in their language. Every time a child reaches for the yellow cape because they feel cheerful, or points to the blue one because they feel sad, they are building emotional awareness, one color at a time.

4. Offer Physical Presence

Sometimes words aren’t needed. Sitting close, holding hands, or a gentle hug can communicate support without fixing. I always ask first. Some kids need space and thats ok. I used to have a hard time with this and still do. When Miles goes to his room and shuts the door and asks for space, it hurts my heart a little. But I also am so proud he knows what he needs in that moment.

5. Resist Offering Solutions Immediately

Instead of saying, “Don’t worry, it will be fine,” try, “I’m here with you.” Let your child lead the conversation about what they need.

6. Model Emotional Regulation

Show your child how you manage your own feelings by taking deep breaths or calmly naming your emotions. This teaches them healthy coping skills. I always say how I am feeling when my big emotions arise and then I model to them how I work through that emotion. May a deep breath, maybe stepping away for a few minutes, or maybe grounding with my feet in the grass.

Real-Life Example

Imagine your child comes home upset because they had a fight with a friend. Your first instinct might be to solve the problem by suggesting ways to make up or telling them not to worry. Instead, try this:

• Sit beside them quietly.

• Say, “I see you’re really upset. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

• Listen without interrupting.

• Reflect back, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.”

• Take a few deep breaths together.

• Let them decide if they want advice or just someone to listen.

  
  

This simple shift can help your child feel supported and learn to process emotions on their own.

Benefits of Being Present Without Fixing

• Builds emotional intelligence by helping children recognize and name their feelings

• Strengthens trust between parent and child

• Encourages independence in managing emotions

• Reduces anxiety by creating a safe space for expression

• Improves communication within the family

  
  
  
  

Tips for Parents Struggling with This Approach

• Practice mindfulness or meditation to build your own emotional tolerance

• Remind yourself that your presence is the most important gift you can give

• Share your feelings with a partner or friend to avoid burnout

• Read books or listen to podcasts about emotional coaching and presence

• Celebrate small successes when you resist the urge to fix and simply listen

  
  

Supporting our children by being present without trying to fix their feelings is a powerful way to nurture their emotional growth. Research in Dialectical Behavior Therapy shows that one of the most important emotional skills children can develop is distress tolerance the ability to sit with hard feelings without falling apart. Parents build this in children not by rescuing them from discomfort, but by staying calm and present through it.

It requires patience and practice, especially for those of us used to taking action. But by sitting with them, breathing deeply, and offering calm presence, we teach our children that their feelings matter and that they can face life’s challenges with confidence.

Sources referenced in this post:

• Tronick, E. — Still Face Experiment, Harvard

• Gottman, J. — Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

• Gross, J. — Emotion regulation research, Stanford

• Linehan, M. — Dialectical Behavior Therapy and distress tolerance